The shuttle bus driver's head was about to pop off

This past weekend I went to Sydney with Meghan and Lynsey. It was more amazing that I had hoped. We toured the Opera House(tried to see an opera, but they were sold out), and the Sydney Tower (the tallest building in Sydney, 260 metres high), the Aquarium (best shark exhibit I've ever seen), took a ferry tour around the Harbour (saw Manly Beach), saw the Harbour Bridge (wanted to climb it but it's about 160-235 dollars to climb it, depending on the day of the week), spent entirely too much money (clothes and such as well as booze and food), met some interesting people (not all too nice), went on a half day tour of the eastern suburbs of Sydney (including some of Kings Cross, where I saw my first drag queen in 6 months), saw Bondi Beach (absolutely packed), went to the Rocks and Darling Harbour, the Contemporary Art Museum (Kienholz is on display, and it was breathtaking and moving), and Chinatown. We walked through the park (amazing trees and a fountain), saw what used to be the Australia Mint (the current one is located in Canberra), drove and walked past the State Library, the Parliament House, and the Art Gallery of N.S.W. We also saw many musicians playing in Circular Quay and visited as many shops that we could. We drank at the Pub (also called the Three Wise Monkeys), Pat McGuires, the Sidebar, Cheers, and many other bars on George St. We ate sea food at a great place, Blue Fish, in Darling Harbour. On Saturday we ate at Scruffy McMurphy's (or Scrotum McMurphy's as I first thought it was called) for really cheap. We also had lunch right by the Opera House.

I had such an amazing time. Lynsey and Meghan are so wonderful and fun to be around, and I'm so glad that I went with them, I was shocked by how much we saw and how much my feet hurt at the end of the day! These are some things that I'd like to remember:

"are you swedish?"
"Oooh two dollarss"
"why is pants plural?"
"wait a second, your boyfriend's name is Taco?"
"flipflops is a funny word"
"three crazy monkeys"
"why do we have eyebrows?"
"chevy 65"
"are people who are afraid of heights scared to look out the window in a plane?"
the crazy shuttlebus driver

Alright, so this shuttlebus driver was absolutely nuts. He was really nice to us when we first got on, helped us with our baggage and such. But, when we started driving further, he started opening the automatic door really hard and sutting it really fast. He even drove off one dime with it open. Then, we got to this side street and somone was blocking our way. He was rude to the guy. He told him, that he'd knock him one good, or something to that effect, and as we were driving off, told him "thanks, girlfriend." The guy in the car looked so freaked out. Just imagine how we felt. Then, when we drove to the next hotel and waited a while when some guy was saying goodbye to his girlfriend. When the guy got on, he didn't realize that the driver was trying to give him a ticket stub and walked to go sit down. The driver then flipped him off right in front of us. Then these other ladies got on and the guy drove off and the lady flew into her seat. We were all laughing about it, but I was really scared. This guy was driving like a maniac and cutting people off. I have no idea what the hell his problem was, but I was glad when we got off the bus.

Syndey is a little rough around the edges, as many of the books I've read have told me. It's not just the bus driver, it was people in stores and around the city as well. It wasn't the same experience that you always get at Bond and Robina and in Surfer's Paradise, where everyone will talk to you and be nice. It's city life though, and there are so many things that reminded me of Boston and of what I think London and New York would be like. The people I met at my hostel (mostly while outside late night trying to study) were from everwhere and I had such random conversations with them. One guy and I taled about Freud and theories of psychology and then I talked about movies with another one. and then talked about life with someone else. I even met someone who goes to Loyola Chicago, where I'll be this summer.

I'm excited that Erin is coming this weekend, I haven't seen her since Spring Break last year I think. I think that we'll spend a night in Brisbane if she wants to and visit Currumbin and maybe Byron Bay. I just want to show here as much of this area as possible, so give me ideas if you have any!
"flip flops is a

BiteMyBrokenSpaceBar

To all you Bitches at Dell,

Let me first start by saying that I was so excited when I first got my computer in it's new shiny wrapping. I was thrilled at the thought of my very own laptop. It was big and blue and with it, I felt all ready for college. It didn't matter that it weighed the same amount as a three year old, it didn't matter that there was no DVD player like I had asked for, it didn't even matter that it gave me burn marks when I placed it on my lap.

However, shortly into the course of owning one of your pieces of shit, ahem, excuse me computers, I was shown what others' computers looked like and how fast they ran. It's like when you see ferrari's on the street when you're sitting in a 1989 LaSabre (which I'm sure you drive, because, well, you work for Dell). My computer, which I have affectionately named ShitAssFuckHolePieceofShitIHateYou, shuts down right in the middle of movies that I've downloaded. Then, to make matters worse, I get a message that says that it will begin dump of physical memory. Then, when the computer actually loads up again, it mocks me with the little message of, "would you like to send an error report?" My response is, yes I would like to send an error report, but I would like to send it in the form of a bullet through someone's face. There isn't a button for that now is there?

Additionally, I have recently begun receiving messages that inform me, "This computer has just experienced a critical error. Would you like to send an error report?" I really appreciate how informative and calming that message is to receive about three times daily.

Further along my little journey through college, I've found little thing that my computer can and cannot do. Here is the list for your consideration:
It can: Sound like a jet engine ready for take off right in the middle of the quiet area of the library.
It cannot: Play music when any other programs are running.
It can: Have a broken spacebar. Twice.
It cannot: Be fixed for too long with superglue.
It can: Take 15 minutes to start up and then shut down as soon as I insert my wireless card.
It cannot: Connect to a LAN line unless you restart the computer twice after first trying the wireless card.
It can: Be used to heat up pizza if you place the pizza directly underneath the fan for 6 minutes while running more than 3 programs at a time.
It cannot: Handle fast typing.
It can: Have the CD-Rom randomly fall out.
It cannot: Bounce.
It can: Shut off with a loud beep right in the middle of an essay.

Well, in short, I am utterly amazed by how many things this computer can do!! And finally, I hope that you've spent that $800 that I shelled out of my hardworked money to buy something shiny and pretty to keep you entertained, because I know that it sure as hell didn't go towards new computer technology research.

Sincerely yours,
Candice Calhoun

If your friends jumped out of a plane would you do it too?

The ancient Chinese and Leonardo da Vinci are both credited with conceiving the idea of a parachute but it was in France in the 18th century that the first parachutes were made and used.

In 1797 the Frenchman, Andre Jacques Garnerin made the first parachute drop from an aircraft (a gas filled balloon) using a basket under an open parachute which was made of silk and stiffened with supporting poles. The next development was the invention of the limp parachute which had no stiffening to hold it open and a trapeze bar instead of a basket; the first limp parachute descent was made in 1897 by an American, Tom Baldwin.

Another American Leslie Irvin, made the first ever international free-fall parachute jump near Dayton, Ohio (holler at Ohizzle) in 1919 using his own hand operated chute, a design which revolutionized parachuting and gave birth to a new sport. (All the people said, look at Leslie, he's jumping out of a fucking plane. And all his friends said, "It's okay, he's from Ohio)

Parachutists from the earliest days, along with the balloonists and early aviators, formed part of aerial circuses. The development of aviation and parachuting between the wars still carried a ‘barnstorming’ image and despite attempts in the 1930s parachuting was not accepted by the Federation Aeronautique Internationale - the World Air Sports Federation - as an aeronautical sport until the 1950s.

These early sport parachutists used ex-military parachute equipment, experimenting with the aerodynamics of the parachutes by cutting holes in them to improve the steering and flight. Gradually, as competition became fiercer parachutes were developed for sport use.
Today, whether a first time student or a top competitor, the parachute you use has been designed for that use within the sport.

Alright, fast froward to February 10, 206 where some crazy Americans decide to do this. All the statistics say it's safer than getting into a car, or riding a bike in traffic. They try to make you not concentrate on the fact that you're jumping out of a fucking plane going a pretty damn fast. I had a pretty hard time not thinking about that 14,00 ft anbd120 mph. But, I did it. I fucking jumped out of the plane. It was the most exhilirating thing I've ever done. My video is really funny because I look so scared. At one point it looks like I'm actually crying. The pictures turned out really nice though.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I miss my family and friend mostly, but there are a few little things that I miss about being in America. Although most of them are trivial, it's so weird how you don't think about these things until they're gone.

Things I Miss About America:

My Grandma's Stuffed cabbage
Taco Bell
Combos
New Music
3 am Dominos
Donatos
Light Beer
My car, driving on the right side of the road
My Cigarettes
The NU cafeteria
Having Only 1 Button on the Toilet
Tampons with applicators
Public transportation
My bike
American beef
Hot dogs
Italian Dressing
Snow... haha, just kidding
Beer Balls and Kegs
Mozzerella Sticks
Cheap Beer
Baseball
Payless
No Fear of being deported if you fuck up

Don't Touch My Goon Bag

Alright, I've renamed my last post because this title is more appropriate for this entry.

I've read books about how the 11 most dangerous things are in Australia. There needs to be a correction to this. The 12th most dangerous thing is also in Australia. It is... Australian Boxed Goon. This dangerous thing, also know as Goonaralius australianse, was discovered by the first American Bond Transfers in 1986. A relatively reclusive creature, it resides in cold and frigid climates waiting for it's prey. It can survive in warm climates as well but becomes a bit slugglish in such an environment. Unexpecting predators pounce on it for it's many enticing characteristics: ease of use, it's relative size compared with others of the same species, and frugality. Once procured and brought back to the predators' home, it hastily attacks one or many until it is nothing but a shriveled up bag. It is quickly thrown aside and the predators begin to experience it's dangerous side effects.

The symptoms that you have been attacked include, but are not limited to:

vomiting,

loss of higher order brain functioning,
severe muscle weakness,
loss of muscle control,
paraesthesia of the lips,
general lassitude,
myalgia,
and paradoxical sensory disturbances (feeling hot surfaces as cold and vice versa).

Goonaralius australianse also goes by such names as: Cardboard Champagne, Box Crazy, Silver Bag, and Box Wine. If you see this thing in its natural habitat, it is best to let it alone. Even if you do survive an attack, the symptoms listed above can last for as many as 24-48 hours after the attack.

I had the opportunity to study this scientific wonder this week and trust me, it should not be trifled with. Proceed with caution if ever you encounter it.

Paradise by the Dashboard Lights

So this weekend was Great Keppel Island. Holy shit, was it amazing! Besides the 12 hour bus ride, where they managed to horde all the dumb kids to the front of our bus and then give the little retards a microphone, I had a fantastic trip all in all.

After getting off the bus, we all boarded a ferry and took a short trip over to the island. It was a bit choppy and I was a bit hungover, but the scenery was gorgeous. We got off the ferry and saw this unbelievable resort area. It had a bar called Wreck Bar, a little take away place, a gift shop, like 45 pools, some hot tubs, soft sandy beach, crystal clear water, big rooms with patios (no ac though, bummer), a night club called Salt, a swim up bar in one of the pools, another bar by one of the other pools, fields, tennis and squash courts, and a place to do water sports. We saw lorikeets, a huge guana, these little itty bitty lizards, a gecko in our bathroom, fish and jellyfish (later on while snorkeling), and huge bats hanging from these two trees. (Check out my pictures) Our first day we took a tour of the resort and went swimming and laying out. Then, we got lunch, a nap, went khayaking, snorkling, and later some drinks. After we learned the best drinking game ever, 'Fingers In,' a few of us decided to go skinny dipping. And by a few of us, I mean by the time I got there, everyone was getting dressed and it was just Lily and Me. I had a blast there in the pool with a bunch of strangers though, no big surprise there. I even got flipped, that was cool.

So, the next morning, feeling like someone kicked my ass, we all got up and went to breakfast by 6:30 am. We had a full day of watersports ahead of us. We started off nice and easy. We signed up for jetskiing, went khayaking again, and layed out.

Then water sports began. First thing, I ended up tubing in a sit down tube, thinking it was better and calmer than the lay down one. Guess what, I was fucking WRONG!! First off, I was paired with Ellie. Don't get me wrong, she is the coolest girl ever, but she's about half my size. I have about 80 pounds and 11 inches on this girl. I got into the tube after she did and I think she was already in the air. So we get started and I start to like it. I was screaming like everyone else and having a good time. But then we start to speed up. Not only was I so fucking afraid I was going to flip out of the tube at any second, I felt like some had a fire hose full blast going up my ass crack. I didn't think I'd ever be able to locate my bathing suit bottoms. They were being shoved up into my lower intestines. I started to scream, "Stop Stop STOP I WANT OFF THIS FUCKING THING." I had a death grip on the handles. If I had flipped, I probably would have drowned because I would still be holding onto the tube underwater. Meanwhile, everyone else was having a good time-- especially Ellie cause she was in the air the whole time. Apparently Tara was screaming to stop too, but I couldn't hear over my own skrieking. Every time I thought that the guy was going to go back to shore, he'd speed up and go the other way. Apparently, putting a hand up and screaming bloody murder is Australian for, "hey guy, I'm having a lovely time, let's go for longer." Finally, after what seemed like an hour, we turned in. After unclenching my hands from the handles, I saw that they were trembling. Actually, my whole body was shaking. Someone asked me, hey was it fun? I don't think I gave them a nice answer to that one. My hands shook for some days later and it ended up that Lily got elbowed in the forehead... and that will be the last time I do that.

Then, we went on the jetskis, which were pretty scary to think about, but really fun once you got on. I drove with Tara and I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to go too fast. I actually got quite comfortable on it, and got up to 70 kph. I felt bad though because Tara didn't get to drive at all... we only had 15 min and I thought that that meant we went around 4 times. Just as I was about to switch, the guy told us to come back in. She got to drive back, but it's not the same. It's pretty scary being the passenger though, no matter how much you trust the driver. I actually liked jetskiing so much, I paid for another half an hour the next day. Rob and Ryan did too. That was really cool too and I got it up to 73 kph.

So, after the jetskis, we ate lunch and tried to find the swim up bar. We stayed at the Peanut Pool and got drinks for a while and then went to check out the swim up bar. It was supposed to open at 4, or at least activities said it would. So we played volleyball in the pool for like 3 hours with some people from Bond. So 4 rolls around, and still no bar. I was so bummed, and so was everyone else. We hung around till 5 o'clock and then all gave up. It would have been so cool!!

So then we had dinner outside and Mel joined us. We talked a bit about Australia and Keppel Island and finished dinner. We then headed over to the Wreck Bar and drank-- some faster than others (ahem, Rob, who we took home at 9)-- and sang karoake. Ellie and I sang Paradise by the Dashboard lights. Mind you, this is an 8 minute long song with a guy and a girl part with just me and Ellie. I got halfway through and I was winded. It was a lot of fun though. Then, the bar closed and we headed over to Salt. I didn't really like Salt. It was boring, so Jackie, Laura and I left to go check out the pool and the water at night. We saw all the little jellyfish (I got stung 3 times by the babies earlier in the day) and they looked just like little stars glowing in the sand. Then you look up and see every single star in the sky. You even saw the milky way. The view was just so breathtaking. I could have stayed out there for so much longer. Then this guy came out with a flashlight and told us not to swim in the water because of the sharks. Not that we were going to go swimming, but we went back to Salt. Turns out that while we were gone, they had games and stuff for a Corona promotion. We missed it, but not a big loss. I had fun outside talking to Jackie and Laura.

I was pretty tired and anticipating the long day that was quickly approaching, so Tara and I went home. Everyone else stayed and then went skinnydipping, but I'm glad I got some extra sleep. We did find a gecko in our bathroom that night too. In the morning, I checked us all out, we packed and headed out. We signed up for jetskiing again, went to the little shops down the beach from the resort, went to the gift shop, and took some more pictures. I spent entirely too much money that day, but I have new clothes and I had a blast, so it was money well spent. The day started to wind down, and we got showered and changed, I had a toblerone (yum yum) from the bar and then went to watch live music until we had to leave. Ryan and I got a bit drunk and hung out with some Irishmen that Ellie met. And, just as the band finished playing the song Wonderwall we all went up to the boats and boarded. We drank a beer on the boat and enjoyed the last views of Keppel Island.

The bus ride home was really fun actually. I drank my leftover Smirnoff, and then bought a goon bag from the BWS at a pit stop. We sang really loud in the back of the bus and met some pretty cool guys. Ryan told the most ridiculous story ever and I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. I'm happy that the bus ride was fun and that I actually got some sleep. I did lose my shoe though. And boom goes the dynamite.

Race Day is Australian for ShitShow

Okay, so last Saturday was Race Day. A large group of us got dressed up in cute dresses and wore big floppy hats and the guys were in nice dress clothes and we went to the horse races. We were all in a large semi air conditioned tent, and it was a gorgeous day outside.

Here's what I expected Race Day to be like: we'd all get dressed up and wear hats and drink some wine and watch the races. Kinda like a quiet, classy night. Um, wrooooong. Here's what really happened: we all got dressed up and wore hats and got shitfaced and lost money on the horses.

Then, we all went down to Surfer's Paradise, um, like we needed more booze. I smashed a bottle of god knows what onto the floor at Beer Garden because I was holding it in my teeth and trying to tie a tie. Yea, bit drunk.

Then, I ran into these guys who were celebrating what I think was a bachelor party, because one of them was dressed in a superhero costume. He had socks in his underwear and his buddy grabbed my hand, put it on the dude's socks and was like, it's real. I was like, nope it's socks... then proceeded to poke underneath and said, that's real. I believe my exact words were, "That's sock, this is cock." The look on that dude's face was priceless when I did that and we all busted up. I gave the guy my number because he said something about a party they were having or something. I don't really know, I wasn't really listening.

After Beer Garden, everyone but Ryan and I left to go home. Ryan and I, being the super drunk troopers that we are, went to Howl at the Moon. I thought this bar sounded kinda cool, and it was, but we were the youngest people there by about 15 years at least. We had a blast though, Ryan told the guy it was my birthday and I had to sing Happy Birthday to another girl and pretend I was JLo. Yea, I have a voice that sounds like I'm grating metal with a dying cat. I am did not in any way sound like JLo. Thankfully I was shifaced, so the embarrassment at the time was minimal. Ryan also had to serenade a girl who was having here bachelorette party. It was a really good time; good older music played by two pretty funny guys on pianos.

On the way home, for some reason, Ryan told the cabbie to just drop us off. This was the first point of the night/day that I blacked out. I was so confused about where we were and what we were doing. I think that at some point we were in the woods, because I woke up with a hunk torn off of my toenail along with most of the skin underneath, a welt on my leg, a gash on my other toe, and scratches on my feet. I also had what looked like rug burn on my arm, but that's because the bouncers at Beer Garden and Howl at the Moon kept telling me to put my shoes back on, and then two seconds they'd be off again. I guess the last time that I tried to put them on, I fell... hence, the floor burn on my arm.

I almost forgot that after we got off the bus on arriving at Surfer's, Ryan and I got a limo ride. Ryan paid the driver to drive us around, and I pretended like it was my first time in Surfer's and I was on vacation from Wyoming. So friggin drunk!! We also drank the champagne that was left over in the limo... sketch, I know, but again, we were drunk.

So that was my Race Day Shitshow experience. It was so worth the money and was such a great time. I am about to go to French class and then run to the Bottle-o for some booze for the bus ride to Keppel. I am almost finally getting over my Bronchitis and the Middle Ear Infection. I think at some point I had conjunctivitis (my eye was red and nasty) but I'm thinking the antibiotics that I'm on kicked that out of my system. It could have just been irriation from my contacts though.

Can't wait for Keppel Island tomorrow!!