BiteMyBrokenSpaceBar

To all you Bitches at Dell,

Let me first start by saying that I was so excited when I first got my computer in it's new shiny wrapping. I was thrilled at the thought of my very own laptop. It was big and blue and with it, I felt all ready for college. It didn't matter that it weighed the same amount as a three year old, it didn't matter that there was no DVD player like I had asked for, it didn't even matter that it gave me burn marks when I placed it on my lap.

However, shortly into the course of owning one of your pieces of shit, ahem, excuse me computers, I was shown what others' computers looked like and how fast they ran. It's like when you see ferrari's on the street when you're sitting in a 1989 LaSabre (which I'm sure you drive, because, well, you work for Dell). My computer, which I have affectionately named ShitAssFuckHolePieceofShitIHateYou, shuts down right in the middle of movies that I've downloaded. Then, to make matters worse, I get a message that says that it will begin dump of physical memory. Then, when the computer actually loads up again, it mocks me with the little message of, "would you like to send an error report?" My response is, yes I would like to send an error report, but I would like to send it in the form of a bullet through someone's face. There isn't a button for that now is there?

Additionally, I have recently begun receiving messages that inform me, "This computer has just experienced a critical error. Would you like to send an error report?" I really appreciate how informative and calming that message is to receive about three times daily.

Further along my little journey through college, I've found little thing that my computer can and cannot do. Here is the list for your consideration:
It can: Sound like a jet engine ready for take off right in the middle of the quiet area of the library.
It cannot: Play music when any other programs are running.
It can: Have a broken spacebar. Twice.
It cannot: Be fixed for too long with superglue.
It can: Take 15 minutes to start up and then shut down as soon as I insert my wireless card.
It cannot: Connect to a LAN line unless you restart the computer twice after first trying the wireless card.
It can: Be used to heat up pizza if you place the pizza directly underneath the fan for 6 minutes while running more than 3 programs at a time.
It cannot: Handle fast typing.
It can: Have the CD-Rom randomly fall out.
It cannot: Bounce.
It can: Shut off with a loud beep right in the middle of an essay.

Well, in short, I am utterly amazed by how many things this computer can do!! And finally, I hope that you've spent that $800 that I shelled out of my hardworked money to buy something shiny and pretty to keep you entertained, because I know that it sure as hell didn't go towards new computer technology research.

Sincerely yours,
Candice Calhoun